Who knew that someone throwing me a small party for my birthday would bring up so much shit! I’m turning 40 on Monday and a friend asked if she could throw me a party and we talked about what I wanted. I told her I didn’t want to focus on drinking or eating so that pretty much rules out what most people do on occasions like this. My ultimate dream would be to have a party in New Zealand, but that will be my own private party later in the year. We agreed on going to a place called the Craft Gym to do a memorable, but relatively inexpensive craft project and then to dinner for cheap but yummy Indian.
That conversation happened three weeks ago. The craft thing was going to cost $15 and dinner maybe another $15 per person.
Cut to last night: the craft gym has to open especially for us so it’s going to cost $50 per person and they will be walking out with two pieces of etched bar ware. I told her it seemed pretty steep and essentially it’s paying $25 a piece for two glasses. Then she said, well, it’s the instruction and the materials and the comraderie…so I acquiesced and am now feeling scared that no one will want to come because of the money.
In reality, there are two people who might have problems with the price. One of them said something to me three weeks ago when she got the first email and I felt like she was creating drama. And now, maybe I am creating drama. I wish I didn’t know anything about it. I feel like it’s overkill. I am already celebrating my birthday in other ways with some of the people, so if they don’t want to come, they don’t have to.
There are other people I want to come but they all live too far away. And tonight I am having the part of my celebration that means the most to me, a ritual that I am creating that focuses on shedding the old and being reborn into the next phase of my life. This is what I am excited about. Truth be told, the crafting thing will be fun (I hope) but I don’t really care if it happens. It feels like I’m doing it because my friend made such a case for wanting to do something for me so that I will feel taken care of.
When I originally wrote about this my approach was to let go and let it happen. Now, I don’t feel good about it again and I’ve expressed that to her. I guess my next course of action is to figure out why I am having these feelings.
Is it because I am uncomfortable having the attention and asking people to do something special for me, to value me? Is it because I feel uncomfortable with some of my friends and the way the relationships are going right now? Is it because I’ve spent many birthday dinners where people had issues with the bill at the end of the night and I’m trying to protect them? Control issues? Issues with doing something different from what others do? Issues with it being too much?
Jesus. I feel so uncomfortable today. I have my period, woke up, read the birthday email, cried and now am writing this as I wait for my chicken soup to cool. My head hurts – a new menstrual symptom I’ve not had before – so the cramps are a thing of the past but headaches are the thing for today. I didn’t meditate and don’t feel I have the energy to be turning my negative thoughts into positive ones. So, I will just observe. Ride the waves and let it all happen.
And once again, I will let my issues with the birthday party go and see what happens. There is a big part of me that feels like it all has to do with me feeling like I matter and asking people to do something that reflects that I matter to them feels really scary. I am so used to doing everything by myself because many of the people who’ve mattered to me haven’t been able to help me when I needed them during times when things were more serious.
Okay – this is starting to sound like a pity party. I’m just trying to figure out why I am responding the way I am. yeah. And my question is, if my intuition keeps needling me about this party, what am I supposed to do? I appreciate my friend’s intentions…but honestly, I don’t want to think about it anymore. I think maybe a surprise would have been better for someone like me who overthinks everything to death….