Happy New Year!
I am not so happy today. I’ve made some resolutions, set some goals, and all of them revolve around happiness of some sort or another.
Today I am concerned with my relationship again. I want to have a happier relationship with my partner but I’m not sure how to get there. We have digressed to bickering almost all of the time and while I guess at some point maybe this dynamic was fun or flirtatious, now it reminds me of all the ways we are different. It doesn’t feel good and I don’t know how to change it.
I am always accused of complaining and arguing when most of the time I feel like I’m just stating my point of view. Like a few moments ago, he asked, “Now why would you put that there?” referring to a small shovel with some dirt stuck to it and four narcissus bulbs, sitting on a tray on the dining room table. He was obviously annoyed. I replied, “I put it there to remind myself that I need to plant the bulbs while Pookeez is sleeping.” Response, “Always have to argue don’t you?”
No! I don’t. But if you ask me a question and I answer honestly, no argument intended, why can’t you see that I’m not arguing, I just do things differently than you? I’m expressing myself in answer to your question!
And then it went on, him asking me why I would put a shovel with dirt on it on our eating space. “Don’t you think that’s dirty?” No. I think the dried food on our son’s eating tray is dirty and probably has more harmful bacteria than a small shovel with some dirt on it. Sorry, to me dirt isn’t disgusting, it’s dirt. A part of nature and unless there is shit in it, it’s not that bad.
And then I jumped to the unraveling of our relationship. I know, it’s a big jump but that’s how I feel sometimes. Why does something like this have to be such a big deal? It feels abusive to me and like the question was geared to start a fight. Like the only things we can think of to say to each other are harmful and nitpicky.
I hate that he sits in bed watching TV the majority of his days. I don’t want to spend my days like that and I don’t want my son to learn that this is how life is lived – in front of a TV. But, if that is what my partner wants to do, well, how do I reconcile this? Does it mean that I plan my time the way I want to spend it? And if it means that the only time we spend together is at night when I come to bed and watch TV next to him is when we spend time together? Is that okay?
I think the reason I go from a small annoying conversation to the relationship being over is that I have been unhappy for so long. And I don’t see how it’s going to get better.
Yesterday one of my best friends spent the day/evening at our house. She is unhappy: 41 years old, overweight, hasn’t dated in many years, low self-esteem and heavily in debt. She was saying how being single in your twenties and thirties is fun but once you hit your forties, it’s just plain lonely. I thought about that a lot. Most of her friends are coupled, some with kids, some without. I’m sure if she had more single friends to do things with, maybe she would feel differently, but even then, there is still the fact that when you are single, you spend lots of time alone.
I used to love being single. I felt so free. Even when my parents died, I didn’t feel so alone because I always felt that I had support around me. Hearing my friend’s perspective made me thankful for what I have, thankful for my small family. Even though we aren’t married, we are together. And then today happened and I was brought back to my negative place.
How do we get past this? How do I get past feeling unseen and unappreciated? How do we rejuvenate the love that was there? We have a beautiful child together. We have both lost much of our previous foundations in order to be a family together: me, most of the friends I used to fill my time with and him, the family who abused him.
It seems simple enough to start from where we are now. Stop focusing on the past. But when he asks a question like, “now why would you do something like that?” – it feels bad. It feels condescending and mean. Even if I just answer the question simply with no intention to start anything, he pushes it. It’s like – DUDE! I am not you! Get over it! This is ME! If you hate ME so much then why are you with me?!
I wonder if we would be together if I hadn’t gotten pregnant so fast. I once again gave up so many things that seemed unimportant over the course of time, but they were ME and now he has no clue who I am. And neither do I.
I resolve to find out no matter the consequences.
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