It was only a matter of time….

That is what you said to me as you stood in line behind me.  I had no idea you were there.  I had no idea you worked at the same company so you can imagine my surprise when I heard my name, “It was only a matter of time….”, turned around and saw you standing there.  “Oh! Hi!” I said and then turned to order my coffee.  Then I heard you mumbling under your breathe, something derogatory, ending with the word disappointed.  And that characterized the whole interaction for me.  I felt as though someone had squirted a coating of slime on me and I should get away as fast as possible.

I want you to know that it was your behavior that caused me to react the way I did.  I was trying to make it to an early meeting, had not eaten or drank anything and then you were there with your negative energy, trying to engage me for what?  To make me feel bad?

You are the one who chose not to have any more interaction with me three years ago.  I told you my perspective, how I felt and opened the door for dialogue but you did not want that.  You made your judgement long before that.  And it seems that you are harboring a grudge.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for you.  And I am finally done.  I understand that this is how it will always be with us.  Goodbye.

Letting go

It’s been two years since we’ve had contact. I still want nothing to do with you. You lied to me, used me. Were you ever my friend? Was I yours?

I felt sorry for you. You liked to do the same things I did. But you were so damn needy. I always felt like you were trying to take a piece of me. It felt disgusting. I used you too; to not be alone. What a waste.

Stay away.

Is it in the cards?

All of our friends are having second children. And he keeps telling me it’s normal for sex to change when you have children. Is it normal to have sex once in two years? Is that what all of those other new parents are doing? And when does the “new” moniker fade away? When do you become just a parent?

We are in trouble and I don’t know what to do. I wish there was someone to tell besides my therapist and distant friends.

Gratitude? Fake it til ya make it

I’ve got to do something different. I was happier when I was giving thanks for what I had everyday. And I am always dumbstruck when things change abruptly; that seems to be how it works for me. Latest example: hadn’t worked in four years to the day, wasn’t looking for a job but needed income badly and two weeks later I was working as if I’d never been away and I barely had time to mourn staying home with my baby.

I’m feeling like another abrupt change may happen soon so I want to give thanks for what I have now.

I am deeply grateful for my beautiful son. I can’t imagine my life without him, no matter how I long for my old days of freedom, I love him so much.

I am grateful for my good friends. They saved me today. I am grateful to have people around who can remind me of who I’ve been and who I still am.

I’m grateful for my iPhone and for the app that allows me to continue blogging even without a computer. I am grateful for this technology and all of the people who made it happen.

I am grateful I have a job and for the chance to screw up. I am grateful they have allowed me some time to relearn despite the fact I may not be able to strap it on the way they want me to.

I am grateful for my parents. I miss them so much. I wish they could have met my son.

I’m grateful for the show teen mom. Even though I’m in my 40s, I relate more than I would have imagined.

It might be over

I’m not used to fighting so much. Even though my dad used to accuse me of liking to argue, I hate arguing so much that I spent my life until 35 or so smiling to get by without an arguement. But my partner also accuses me of loving to argue. And I feel like I am merely stating my point of view.

If I felt listened to maybe these conversations would go differently. I feel like I am listening to him. I feel like I understand his position. And I feel like no one understands mine. And I wonder, if I start writing again, will it help?

I wonder, if I go back to deeksha, will it help? That’s how desprate I feel! I asked my doctor for anti-depressants recently; unheard of for me. She told me to suck it up: this is life. Fuck.

So now I wonder as we spend another night fighting, yes, I could go apologize for acting out. But what is going to be different? What are WE going to do differently to make this better? I have taken responsibility for escalating and acting like a crazy bitch. But something brought me there and we dont seem able to get to that. Does it matter?

And how do we know when it’s time to quit?

We have a two year old and we love him but I don’t know if we love each other. Is this a rough spot or is it the end?

Resolutions

Happy New Year! 

I am not so happy today.  I’ve made some resolutions, set some goals, and all of them revolve around happiness of some sort or another.

Today I am concerned with my relationship again.  I want to have a happier relationship with my partner but I’m not sure how to get there.  We have digressed to bickering almost all of the time and while I guess at some point maybe this dynamic was fun or flirtatious, now it reminds me of all the ways we are different.  It doesn’t feel good and I don’t know how to change it.

I am always accused of complaining and arguing when most of the time I feel like I’m just stating my point of view.  Like a few moments ago, he asked, “Now why would you put that there?” referring to a small shovel with some dirt stuck to it and four narcissus bulbs, sitting on a tray on the dining room table.  He was obviously annoyed.  I replied, “I put it there to remind myself that I need to plant the bulbs while Pookeez is sleeping.”  Response, “Always have to argue don’t you?”

No!  I don’t.  But if you ask me a question and I answer honestly, no argument intended, why can’t you see that I’m not arguing, I just do things differently than you?  I’m expressing myself in answer to your question!

And then it went on, him asking me why I would put a shovel with dirt on it on our eating space.  “Don’t you think that’s dirty?”  No.  I think the dried food on our son’s eating tray is dirty and probably has more harmful bacteria than a small shovel with some dirt on it.  Sorry, to me dirt isn’t disgusting, it’s dirt.  A part of nature and unless there is shit in it, it’s not that bad.

And then I jumped to the unraveling of our relationship.  I know, it’s a big jump but that’s how I feel sometimes.  Why does something like this have to be such a big deal?  It feels abusive to me and like the question was geared to start a fight.  Like the only things we can think of to say to each other are harmful and nitpicky. 

I hate that he sits in bed watching TV the majority of his days.  I don’t want to spend my days like that and I don’t want my son to learn that this is how life is lived – in front of a TV.  But, if that is what my partner wants to do, well, how do I reconcile this?  Does it mean that I plan my time the way I want to spend it?  And if it means that the only time we spend together is at night when I come to bed and watch TV next to him is when we spend time together?  Is that okay?

I think the reason I go from a small annoying conversation to the relationship being over is that I have been unhappy for so long.  And I don’t see how it’s going to get better. 

Yesterday one of my best friends spent the day/evening at our house.  She is unhappy: 41 years old, overweight, hasn’t dated in many years, low self-esteem and heavily in debt.  She was saying how being single in your twenties and thirties is fun but once you hit your forties, it’s just plain lonely.  I thought about that a lot.  Most of her friends are coupled, some with kids, some without.  I’m sure if she had more single friends to do things with, maybe she would feel differently, but even then, there is still the fact that when you are single, you spend lots of time alone.

I used to love being single.  I felt so free.  Even when my parents died, I didn’t feel so alone because I always felt that I had support around me.  Hearing my friend’s perspective made me thankful for what I have, thankful for my small family.  Even though we aren’t married, we are together.  And then today happened and I was brought back to my negative place.

How do we get past this?  How do I get past feeling unseen and unappreciated?  How do we rejuvenate the love that was there?  We have a beautiful child together.  We have both lost much of our previous foundations in order to be a family together: me, most of the friends I used to fill my time with and him, the family who abused him. 

It seems simple enough to start from where we are now.  Stop focusing on the past.  But when he asks a question like, “now why would you do something like that?” – it feels bad.  It feels condescending and mean.  Even if I just answer the question simply with no intention to start anything, he pushes it.  It’s like – DUDE!  I am not you!  Get over it!  This is ME!  If you hate ME so much then why are you with me?!

I wonder if we would be together if I hadn’t gotten pregnant so fast.  I once again gave up so many things that seemed unimportant over the course of time, but they were ME and now he has no clue who I am.  And neither do I.

I resolve to find out no matter the consequences.

learning in the face of adversity

I am grateful that in the midst of the stress I am still able to learn through this situation.  Yesterday after we went to therapy I started thinking about my tendency to bottle things up and not express them until I hit a breaking point.  I realized that a beautiful way to love and honor myself is to let my feelings out – to acknowledge them and share them.  To give them light and attention rather than keeping them hidden in a closet. 

I’ve spent the past couple of years in isolation for fear of being labeled a fool for the decisions I have made and being embarassed by some of the things that have happened.  I don’t want to be isolated anymore – why not just say what is happening?  And instead of feeling like I no longer have time to honor myself in the ways I used to – ways that are not necessarily conducive to taking care of a one year old and still getting sleep – I can honor myself every day just by doing some check-ins and expressing whatever I need to in the moment.  Seems so simple and like something I’ve come to before but today it feels like a powerful realization and like something I can start doing for myself now.  Acknowledgement is so powerful – we all want to be seen and loved, faults and all.  It is such a challenge for me to reveal myself in that way yet it is my highest ideal – to be transparent.  Why is that so scary?

I am grateful for my wonderful neighbor who has opened her heart to us and who takes care of us in ways that make a difference.

I am grateful for my friends.  I would miss them so much if I didn’t have them.

I am grateful for my boy’s shining spirit and curiosity!

I am grateful that my partner is doing his work – even if it feels slow to me, he is showing up in a way many can’t. 

I am grateful to be alive and to have a warm home and enough food and some time alone to spend writing this post.

Today is a good day.

gratitude

Things have been tough lately.  I feel like I can’t see my future at all.  My partner asks me to visualize our life but I don’t even have a sense of seeing my son grow older – I can just see today.  I used to be more self reflective but now I feel I am dodging bullets and reacting more than I used to.  This is partly because I have less time to reflect now that I’m a mother and partly because of the family drama.

We got through Thanksgiving and there was so much drama with his family.  The pay off was that his sister-in-law stopped her daily calls to talk trash about the parents.  But now she is calling to come and bring Christmas presents for the baby.  And my partner is starting to reel again.  His uncle is calling too, and his father’s friend and he suspects that none of them have good intentions and is needing to talk about it all the time.  Watching him swirl is reason enough to do my best not to screw up my baby.  He is still that hurt little boy and his parents won’t acknowledge his pain – they keep coming back to it being about him not having a job and lending too much money to the wrong person.  They don’t understand that all they have to do is listen to his pain – but maybe theirs is too great and they can’t see past it to help their son. 

He has acted out twice in ways that have been hurtful to me and our relationship.  After the first time we started therapy and I thought things were getting better.  He started seeing his own therapist to deal with the childhood trauma and we started working on our communication and things started getting better.  And then all the shit happened at Thanksgiving with his family and he acted out again – the same way.  Answering casual sex ads on Craig’s List.  The first time he did it, he happened to answer my friend’s ad.  Neither of them told me about it until I confronted her about something else and then she finally spilled the beans.  Now we are no longer friends – for many other reasons but the catalyst was this situation. 

Last week I caught him answering ads again on the same day that we have therapy.  We talked about it.  His therapist says it’s part of his process of healing and that she wasn’t surprised he did it again.  But what does it mean for me?  I love him, thought I had found the one.  Now I see the real person.  Is it about me learning to hang in there with his faults?  To be understanding of his process?  I certainly have been no peach throughout the pregnancy and the past year – he’s seen me at my worst too.  But I haven’t stepped out on the relationship.  He hasn’t “done” anything – no sexual act was committed but he repeatedly answered the ads.  And he did it again even after knowing how hard it was the first time.  What do I do with this?

I originally set out to post things I am grateful for because I need some way of escaping from the negative onslaught that seems to happen every day now.  So here goes:

I’m grateful for that I have a warm and cozy home to live in.

I’m grateful for my son’s laughter and the way he scoots all over the house.

I’m grateful that I’ve forced myself to run on a daily basis.

I’m grateful that I am starting to have more time to take care of myself.

I’m grateful that we are talking about our feelings and trying to deal with all of this rather than walking away – even though that may be the best thing.  Time will tell.

it’s been a long time

So much in my life has changed since I last wrote and now I am coming to worship at the altar of my blog because I feel at a loss.  I now have a 10 month old son who I love dearly – he is a bright shining life in my life.  At this moment everything else feels difficult.  I don’t know what I was thinking having a child with someone I had not known for very long.  We were floating along on the frothing pink river of new love when I unexpectedly got pregnant.  It all seemed like such a good idea then and, I have to say I don’t regret that decision.  I love spending time with my little one – he’s not the problem.  I guess if they wrote about all of the stressful things in the baby books no one would have kids!

I guess now there are two main problems: his family and money stresses with both of us unemployed.  This coupled with the amazing transformations that occur when a baby is thrown into the mix has caused other problems.  On the one hand, I feel so proud of my partner for dealing with his feelings around the abuse he suffered as a child and all of the ingrained family patterns in a direct way.  I’ve been on this journey myself to a much smaller degree.  I understand the pain but he believes he has lost his family now and it is a direct result of him confronting the abuse.  I lost my parents to illness and death – this kind of orphaning is more organic than the kind he is having to deal with.

I have never been able to understand how a parent can say cruel things to their child and now that I have my own it is even more unfathomable to me.  P’s parents say awful things to him – what parent would tell their child that they are bad luck according to the Indian astrologer they seek out on their yearly visits to the homeland? What parent would repeatedly scream that their child is a loser, telling them that they are dead to them merely because the child needs to talk about the beatings he received at a relatives hand?  Talk about drama.  I’m not sure why these things have come into my life and I’m not sure how to deal with all of it anymore.  I keep listening and keep loving him but the problems are getting more complex and now there is acting out that is negatively impacting the trust between us.

I don’t know who to talk to – the only person who knows the whole story is our couples therapist.  My partner is embarassed by some of the things that have happened over the past year and for me I see recurring patterns repeating and it scares me.  I ask myself what part I am playing and I am not sure of the answer to this.  I do not like the person I have become in the face of this stress.  I just know that both of us are working hard to not repeat the patterns of our parents – it seems like these are things most couples face but after having had a lot more history together than we do.

I love my partner so much but I feel like we are sinking.  I have had my own difficult journey with my parents illnesses and deaths, with alcohol abuse, with making wrong choices, not following my intuition and learning through the mistakes but I had the luxury of doing it alone.  I didn’t have a partner witnesses my lows.  Well, I guess now I do have a partner who is witnessing my lows and that is difficult for me but it is even harder to witness and support his journey of what - healing?  I guess that is the correct word for it.  I had time and money to support me while I meandered around taking care of myself and trying to figure it out.  That money is supporting us now and has allowed him time to do the same but now with the economy tanking the money is much less and it’s time to focus and get jobs.  I hope and pray that with a lot of effort we can do this.  I hope that he is able to rise above all of the horrible things his family tell and have told him about himself like the phoenix and not become the self-fulfilling prophecy.

There is so much I haven’t said.  I can’t say it all right now.  The baby is awake and I need to focus on him.

I hope we can work through this.  How do you know when – I can’t even fathom it – leaving him.  I don’t know if it will all be better when we get jobs.  One stress will be gone.  That’s all I can say for now.

I think I’m in love

And it makes me kinda nervous to say so.

Yup – I finally met someone I want to hang out with and I’m flabbergasted.  It feels sort of miraculous and right.  Things like this don’t happen often, at least not to me, and certainly not from posting a lack luster ad on Craig’s List.  What are the chances?  But it happened, I met him, I feel like I love him, I want to spend time with him and I guess that should be all that matters.  But it’s not.

Another lesson in learning to surrender!  I like this one better than the deeksha.