“a project manager is all you’ll ever be…”

Tonight, after seeing Neko Case & Merle Haggard, I went back to my friend’s house and got a lecture about me and how she views my life right now.  She started out by saying that she thinks I’m depressed and I’m not willing to admit it.  She cited not leaving my house as proof.  She also took a statement I made about drinking and how I don’t like it anymore because the hangover makes me depressed as another proof.  And then she started railing off every bad thing that’s happened to me in the past ten years as her third and final proof that I am depressed.

After telling me how depressed I am she went on to say that I need to accept the fact that I had a good life before as a Project Manager and that I don’t need to keep searching around for meaning because that is all I’m ever going to be and there is nothing wrong with that.  She said I am lost and I need structure in my life and that she’s not the only one who thinks this and then said she’s discussed it with her boyfriend and another friend of ours (who I see about twice a year) and they all agree that I am depressed and lost and just need to buck up and go back to Project Management before it’s too late.

I responded the way I always do with her by saying I am not depressed.  She thinks that because I did the deeksha and because I am meditating and because I haven’t worked for a year that I am lost, searching for meaning and DEPRESSED.  She thinks I need prozac because it is completely improbable that I could actually take time away from the corporate world, which was stressing me out, to grieve and take care of myself and come out okay, with no anti-depressants.

Why am I even responding?  She asked, “Don’t you think it would be a waste if you just end up being a Project Manager again after all this searching?”  Yes, I do and that is not what I want to do.  “What’s your plan?  You must have a dream of doing something, what is it?”  Hmm.  Do you really think I’m going to share my dreams with you after you just told me that I’ve come as far as I can go and shouldn’t strive for something different?  Honey, you can’t even remember a conversation we had 20 minutes ago!  I’m not telling you a fucking thing.

I needed to vent and this is where it’s happening.  I defended myself to her, but now that I’m home and thinking about it, I’m pissed that I even gave her the time of day.  I’m pissed that she calls herself a friend yet has this idea of me as a lost soul whose had a horrible life and am in denial about being depressed.

I have two things to say about this.  One, she is projecting.  I told her to her face – YOU ARE PROJECTING. 

Two – Fuck you.  I could go on about all of your problems and make you out to be the demon here but I won’t.  If I thought what you were saying was true, I’d check it out.  In fact, I have checked it out and it does not resonate with me.  The only thing it does is make me not want to spend time with you.  Yes, there is a part of my life I hide from you because I don’t want it to be pissed on every time I see you.  I thought you cared about me, but now I see that you care about keeping me the way I was, not about me growing into something new.  If I stay the same, you can stay the same, and keep drinking and drugging yourself into oblivion.  That is not going to happen.  You can get on the train or you can sit at the station.  If you want to get on, stop telling me I’m depressed and look at yourself. 

~ by inbetweengirl on February 10, 2007.