Resurrection

Here I come rising from the dead after a long hiatus doing nothing.  Yup, I’ve been doing nothing.  My therapist would beg to differ as she does every time I say this and I have to admit everything I am doing.  But these are normal everyday things that everyone does – okay, maybe not everyone, but overhauling your diet and exercising to be healthier are not rocket science they just take a long time and granted maybe I can devote more time than I could if I were working but…these things have lost their lustre. 

I guess I’m in what is known as the long haul.  I got a good start and it’s been taking a long time to accomplish my goals but this doesn’t mean I should quit.  It means I need to get stronger.

And what else have I been doing?  Volunteering, investigating, exploring and thinking about how I want to spend my time and how I might be paid for it.

This time of year has been difficult since my dad died in 2004.  Usually, I don’t miss him on all those anniversaries that they write about in grieving books.  But this year is different, maybe because I have more time and notice my emotions more rather than masking them.  Maybe because my mom is dead too and the umbilical chord has been finally cut.  I started noticing my grief coming up a couple of weeks ago when I found myself catapulted back to the weeks leading up to his death, wishing I had done things differently, spent more time with him rather than flying back to CA for a week.

This is strange to me though because I feel like I did things well and like I helped him a lot during that time.  But it was so stressful flying back and forth across the country every other week, staying with him and trying to find trustworthy care takers to be with him when I couldn’t.  I had to have those moments of tapping into my daily reality to break up his dying and I had to work to support myself. 

I don’t know how long it takes to get over the death of one’s parents.  I miss my parents so much.  All I can do is acknowledge that and move on.  I keep thinking I’m over it and then grief comes back to greet me at strange times.  My dad died on Easter, 2004 so I guess this is “normal”.  I don’t really care what’s normal though because my feelings are happening regardless of what everyone else does. 

Yesterday wasn’t the hard day though.  It was the days leading up to it and maybe today.  I always miss my dad but lately I feel it more strongly, like a pain that can’t be ignored.  I want him back – all thosemeaningless afternoons of watching the Masters or the Yankees and the Red Sox duking it out in the playoffs mean something to me now.  At the time I just felt like I was spending time with him because sometimes all he could do was watch TV. 

Today I feel aimless, like I should go out to the beach and take a long walk by the sea.  I am at a critical point where I need to stay the course and navigate the stormy sea in order to get to calmer waters.  It’s all happening.  It’s all changing.  It’s all about remembering.  Letting myself go where I need to.

~ by inbetweengirl on April 9, 2007.