It might be over
I’m not used to fighting so much. Even though my dad used to accuse me of liking to argue, I hate arguing so much that I spent my life until 35 or so smiling to get by without an arguement. But my partner also accuses me of loving to argue. And I feel like I am merely stating my point of view.
If I felt listened to maybe these conversations would go differently. I feel like I am listening to him. I feel like I understand his position. And I feel like no one understands mine. And I wonder, if I start writing again, will it help?
I wonder, if I go back to deeksha, will it help? That’s how desprate I feel! I asked my doctor for anti-depressants recently; unheard of for me. She told me to suck it up: this is life. Fuck.
So now I wonder as we spend another night fighting, yes, I could go apologize for acting out. But what is going to be different? What are WE going to do differently to make this better? I have taken responsibility for escalating and acting like a crazy bitch. But something brought me there and we dont seem able to get to that. Does it matter?
And how do we know when it’s time to quit?
We have a two year old and we love him but I don’t know if we love each other. Is this a rough spot or is it the end?
